Black or white

When we do more tasks than expected of our JD, and we don't get to be recognized or promoted in the office, a lot of times we just make jokes about it. 

We tell ourselves, "Oh that's because I have a hidden talent. It's so hidden that it takes a long while before folks recognize it." 

And then we become serious and say a prayer quietly every time we sigh, "God sees this. This will count someday."

That is easy to do. But this one is different. It becomes challenging when you apply the same thing in situations when there are people that you know who "like away" statements that actually strike you down as a human being. Although they don't directly dislike you, their act is an outward showmanship that there is a large part of you that they will never accept.

And you feel that they put a condition to liking you because of what they do. 

And it makes me regret being your friend. I am ashamed that you put people like me behind some hidden line and like us only when you choose to. I wish you can be more like me - brave to accept you for what you are and ready to fight for your right to be recognized because we are the same after all. I wish you can be more loving the way we do. Because right now, I really feel that your actuation was very hurtful. You don't even really know me or where I come from, or why I don't show up in your socials because people will look at you as if you're a weirdo. Sometimes people are even kinder to drug addicts than to us.

So yea, Someone can see all these sorts of degree of hatred and conditional liking. I just know that between you and me, I am stronger and vey much likeable than you.

Hallmark card

Paano kung hindi mo na masabi ang I love you with the same ... to the same ...? Kailangan bang sabihin pa rin?

Sudden stop

.

I do not know how it is to be celebrated

Mabuti pa ang mga namatay. They are remembered and celebrated on All Souls Day.

No one celeberates me. Or my contributions at work. No thank yous in the house for the things I do. I do not know what the people around me think. When it's my birthday, I only get a handful of birthday greetings. Very, very few people wish me a happy day. And then to actually celebrate my birthday, well, goodluck to that.

I am not celebrated. This means I am not special.

And that is why I spontaneously celebrate other people's birthdays. I buy cake and prepare food, even when my money is just enough. Because I like them to feel special, to celebrate them.

Because I don't have those and I know the feeling of being neglected. And the feeling of accepting the fact that I am not special enough to be celebrated. That a greeting is all that I need.

No dates, unless I initiate it. No occassions. No candles to blow.

N.

What a day

No one is going to invite me out to celebrate Father's Day.  It has never happened. Maybe it won't in this lifetime. I have to understand that.

In the same way, no one asked me to celebrate Mother's Day. Simply because there's no one around who will ask.

Someone who will just ask me, even if the celebration doesn't take place, is a lonely thought.

I am lonely. A person who does both roles of parenting to a growing son is a lonely life. No one to share on-the-dot struggles, right when it happens. No one to share sudden spontaneous reactions.

Simple invitations can make you less lonely.

As wise as me

I am hardly quiet with you. I am direct, too much that I come out tactless. Sometimes it works in my favor and you laugh at me. (If only you know that your reaction reminds me of the Master who laughs at me, too.)

I care about what I say and how I say it. I know that I have a problem being straight forward. I can make very small rounds around the bushes. Not for long, though, because I am cocky. I am smart enough to use the exact words that will make myself understood. Ahh. But I fail. I am so different that way. People think more than what I have come to say to them. And that makes them afraid to answer my question. 

Using the exact words with you may get me into trouble. I open your eyes sharply and then I do not know anymore where my words go in you. You must believe that there is no intention to destroy you or to ruin your day. You must forgive but I will not let you tell me off easily.

Because that's what you said I shouldn't do. You said never to give up on you because you will never give up on me. But, of course, you don't remember that. You warned me about this.

I do not like to be misunderstood. No one does, I suppose. You don't, that's for sure.

I like talking, may it be out loud or using social behaviors. I need to risk a lot of things to understand people, most of all you because you chose to be a vehicle. 

Because you said this will make me understand the lessons better. Of course you don't remember that. But, I do. 

And so I do not like to assume that you remember the words you said when I asked you why we do it this way. Or even why I remember a lot of things about us, before us, as clear as day.

What is honest is that I cannot function well when I try to keep inside what I already know. I already know. Yet, I still need to ask why.

I assumed to know why - once, a long time ago - why people are. I failed in that. And so I ran away until I met you. 

And so I like talking because I need to understand what I already know. Why more people are no longer babies.

Just so you know that my son and I are still babies. I am not like them - they are not as wise as me. As you.

I have more than a dozen eyes that look at all the stars in the sky and I know that each one has a name. My job at best is to see their beauty and wonder how can one light be the same as the others. And why the stars still light the evenings of people even if they are taken for granted plenty of times.